I wouldn't ask it that way

I was recently invited to participate in a fireside chat in front of a room full of industry professionals interested in practical negotiation tips. After a lively discussion with the host, we turned to the audience for questions. One woman raised her hand and asked, “How do you advocate for yourself without sounding selfish?”

“Great question!” I replied. “You probably won’t get very far telling your boss you need a raise because you are trying to figure out how to pay for your next big vacation.”

I went on to explain how adopting a collaborative outcomes approach not only spotlights the right points during the negotiation, but also helps convey the right motive and tone.

After the Q&A, we said our goodbyes and wrapped up the session. During the debrief, my host shared how pleased he was with the overall discussion. But he then remarked, somewhat incredulously, “You know, when I was working in industry, I didn’t think about being so collaborative or sugarcoating my requests — I just went to my boss and said ‘Give me X!’ Your approach is very interesting, but I wouldn’t ask it that way.”

Hmm, interesting indeed. I come across many people, like my host, who choose to adopt (and even boast about) a more forceful negotiation style. While they may have been pleased with their results, there are many compelling reasons you should not adopt this approach:

1. Bypass the backlash

   There is a big difference between being clear and direct vs. being demanding and aggressive. In a professional setting, adopting the latter approach can result in unnecessary negative consequences — like being labeled as “difficult” or “not a team player.” This is especially true for women. While much still needs to be done to address unconscious bias in the workplace, leveraging a collaborative, win-win style can keep the conversation focused on the ask, while bypassing avoidable backlash and drama.

2. Don’t be sloppy

   There isn’t anything particularly skillful about blurting out a big demand at your next 1:1 with the boss or airing your grievances in a painfully long email. The execution is impulsive (both in terms of content and delivery) and runs the risk of leading to messy outcomes for all involved. To avoid having an emotionally charged situation on your hands, you should first check to ensure certain criteria are met before delivering your ask, which brings us to the next point…

3. Do the pre-work

   In your mind, your needs are justified. But upon hearing your request, your boss may be wondering where your request is even coming from. To avoid blindsiding your decision-maker or presenting a misguided and garbled case, it’s essential to complete the pre-work. By doing your research, knowing your decision maker, regularly communicating your goals and progress, you can proactively address any questions or concerns the other party may have.

4. Respect your relationships

   In a professional environment, relationships matter a lot. The “give me” or “I need” negotiation tactics can only get you so far, even if you are on the best of terms with your decision maker. Eventually, they may even find themselves giving into your requests begrudgingly or losing patience with your demanding behavior. Maintain the respect, trust, and thoughtfulness in your negotiations and in your relationships. Make long-term allies, not long-term adversaries.

5. Trust yourself

   If I had followed my host’s negotiation advice early in my career, chances are I probably wouldn’t have gone very far. One person’s serendipitous outcome is not indicative of a winning approach for you. Don’t base your entire strategy on someone else’s experiences and circumstances. When it comes to negotiation, trust yourself to determine a plan appropriate for your situation and the people involved.

6. Protect your legacy

   Getting what you want is nice, but how you get it also matters. There are many ways to achieve your professional goals. Hopefully your path is associated with quality work, integrity, and collaboration — not brute force, politics, and stress. Build a positive professional reputation, and others will want to keep you around and reward you for a long time to come.

The next time someone boasts about their fist-pounding antics, it’s important to remember that not all short-term wins translate into long-term success. While the collaborative outcomes approach may seem tedious or unnecessary to those who feel like they can operate by a different set of rules — have faith that following a playbook rooted in facts, thoughtfulness, and mutual respect will get you far.